Transactional Relationships 💰
Meet my mom. We DON'T have a transactional relationship. 😄
At 86, my mom’s needs are changing which means that I’m driving more. I’ve found that the 5-hour drive (each way) goes by much faster when I’m listening to a good audiobook.
Most recently, Only Say Good Things by Crystal Hefner made the trip fly by. Crystal is the widow of once-revered Hugh Hefner whose Playboy dynasty was as legendary as it was problematic. Her book convinced me that “Hef” controlled others with the same levers of influence used by cult leaders everywhere. Crystal’s story shines a light on the transactional nature of cultic relationships - where women’s bodies and their labor can be commodified. Transactions are completed but there’s no fulfillment...
Recently, I attended the Seek Safely Summit, where cult-savvy therapist Rachel Bernstein shared two powerful questions she asks clients who are sorting through the rubble of cultic relationships: “What were you hoping to find when you first got involved?” and “Did you find it?”
When I first entered my ex-teacher’s office, I wanted help with a burning question about sexual abuse. Doug didn’t say “I'm not qualified to help you with that.” Instead, he promised me that everything I needed to know would be revealed through (his interpretation of) my dreams. I paid him for eighteen years to teach me that I was broken, that my mother was a “demon” (when she appeared in my dreams) and that he was the only one who could guide me to “an aligned life.” 🥺
Transactional relationships extract a heavy toll. Healing is complex. For me, good therapy, combined with my writing practice has been paramount. I wrote and wept while unwinding narratives that had separated me from the people I most love.
Today, I’m so grateful to be able to say that my mother and I share deep love, respect, and reciprocity. Writing - in my journal, my memoir, and these letters to you - supports my ongoing commitment to maintaining healthy connections. My life is now rich with deep and enduring relationships - which is why I’m passionate about creating opportunities for all survivors to explore the written word. Writing helps.
Do you have a transactional relationship that you'd like help unwinding from? Please register for a Writing to Reckon class today to experience the power of reckoning with cultic abuse through writing.
Are you ready to celebrate a short piece you've already written by sharing it with others at the FREE Zoom Party on December 1st?
I'd love to hear about your experiences of contending with transactional relationships in your life. Just hit reply.
Warmly,
Gerette
*Check out Only Say Good Things here - Crystal Hefner's book.
*I love getting to know Anne Peterson through ongoing collaboration, including the first Seek Safely Summit this past weekend.
*I have a boatload of respect for Rachel Bernstein. She helped me at a time of need. Rachel Bernstein's website here.
