the danger of expression...
My pursuit to know my nervous system through poly vagal work continues, leading me to some surprising discoveries. This exploration is a very private process, complete with a LOT of long pauses, some head scratching, many sighs and every so often a resounding ah ha. Sometimes painful, but always worthy.
I’ve learned through Deb Dana’s book Anchored that the primary job of our nervous system is to keep us safe - through protection and connection. Listening to and increasing my awareness of the many automatic - and utterly unconscious - responses I have to the world around and within me is a fascinating and at times challenging exploration.
Reclaiming the power to listen - and learning to tune in to the wisdom of the nervous system is part of living a life of well-being. Deb Dana
I recently noticed a particular sensation in my forehead - a furrowed brow feeling that I had never-ever noticed before - like dull heat beneath my skin. Sometimes it’s paired with tension in the back of my neck - right where the my spine and skull come together.
I was working on a newsletter when I became aware of it - along with my diligence and devotion to my writing practice. Rather than pushing through, I got curious and brought a soft focus to this bodily response. When the ah ha came, I wrote this in my journal:
I come to the emotional holding pattern of not trusting myself. 18 years of 'training' that eroded my self trust lingers still... In CTL, when I dared to voice the questions or observations that bubbled up in me, I was met with criticism and ridicule. It was not safe to speak. It was dangerous.
Tears of relief to feel this. Of course the lingering threads of this well worn groove engage when I write. Recognizing this, releasing this, in the moment, gives me hope that someday, I will experience flow writing.
I speak to my brow, “I understand why it was dangerous to speak when shame and condemnation silenced you. It was safest to stay quiet. And... is it possible to find glimmers of a different kind of safety now? Safety that connects instead of protects.”
How could it be possible that the tense, diligent, sincere part of me that learned all those years ago that it was dangerous to speak, could possibly be of service to me today? I was tricked into a self deprecating narrative that I believed so… diligently… when I trusted Doug more than I trusted myself. When I believed HE was the pathway to higher self knowledge and spiritual freedom.
Today, nearly eleven years after leaving the cultic grip, two books written and countless essays and newsletters, I continue the discovery and begin the gentle process of unhinging that neural pathway.
Autonomy. Reclamation.
The Spring Symposium is an opportunity to settle into yourself. I look forward to sharing this space with you, continuing the journey.
Register HERE. March 29 1 pm EST. $49
See you there.
Or on Friday at 10 am EST. There are two spots!
Warm regards,
Gerette
