Revocable Relationships
Healthy relationships are perhaps the single most important foundation stone when building a fulfilling life. Here in the cult recovery circles, we know full well that discerning healthy ones from those that are fraught with coercive control is not always easy. Occasionally the best course of action is to cut ties.
The word revocable comes from the Latin, revocare which means ‘rescind, call back’. Vocare is related to vox, or voice. When it’s necessary to renounce someone after being exploited by them, we reclaim our authority, establishing boundaries.
A reader who wishes to remain anonymous, wrote the paragraph below, referring to an uncommon but very real phenomenon of growing up with a parent who is a narcissistic abuser. Warning: this next paragraph may be upsetting to you.
KH writes: "My main revelatory experience of the true meaning of revocable these past few years has been regarding relationships. Relationships are not written in stone or drawn in blood. They are unspoken contracts you continually recommit to via a shared give and take of mutual respect and caring. Relationships deserve to be taken seriously, but it’s okay to walk away when you recognize the other person isn’t upholding their end of the bargain. When I realized my mother needed to earn a relationship with an adult me, and that she was falling short of showing me the respect and care I required of a true friend, I realized there was nothing requiring me to put up with her shit just because she’s my mother. Many people would disagree with that, but I do not think children, who did not ask to be born, owe their parents endless gratitude even in the face of mistreatment simply for having been brought to term. It is very empowering to acknowledge that a relationship that no longer is healthy can be revoked."
Although this powerfully written paragraph does not contain examples of mistreatment that could lead to a healthy revoking of the mother-child relationship, I’ve been privy to this writer’s lived experiences and can assure you that this IS a life-affirming step for her. I will also say that the nefarious ways she was treated as a child and a young adult makes me all the more grateful for my own mother, whose love, respect and support has surprisingly blossomed over the last few decades.
My summer travels have opened my eyes in new ways to the gift of enduring, life-affirming relationships that persist despite challenges to them. For example, My family descended on Eleanor’s home after a week of camping in the rain. We were a drippy mess and the awkwardness of not having seen her for several years was eased when she assured us to make ourselves at home - and she meant it. We sprawled out wet camping gear in the sunshine, washed three loads of laundry, savored several scrumptious meals together and left, feeling refreshed and deeply grateful for such a good friend.
We left Eleanor’s house and headed south to Cape May, NJ to visit my childhood best friend Nancy. We stopped in New York City to explore the dinosaur exhibits at the Museum of Natural History before the final leg of our trip. An hour before we arrived, I felt flu-like symptoms coming on. At first I pushed that realization aside, telling myself I was fine, just tired. But then the sniffles started and my throat became undeniably scratchy. Literally half an hour from their home, at 8:30 pm, I called Nancy to break the news to her. We donned masks and tested for Covid. Yup. You guessed it. I was positive. Fortunately, the rest of my family tested negative. We put some precautions in place and Nancy opened her home to us, giving me the extraordinary experience of being sick yet also feeling comfortable in someone else's home.
A good friend welcomes you, even with dirty laundry, and finds creative ways to keep everyone safe even through illness. On the other hand, a good friend might also need to say no to the dirty laundry or hosting through illness. Either way, the relationship is strengthened by life’s adversity. I remember my therapist telling me years ago that healthy relationships get stronger when appropriate boundaries are created.
What are your experiences in this regard? What’s the distinction between a relationship that should be revoked versus one where boundaries simply need to be established? How do you create healthy boundaries? I look forward to hearing your thoughts about this.
Warmly,
Gerette
