A flexible and responsive mind
“The cwust is too haaawd,” wailed my three year old grandson when I handed him a piece of buttered toast. With a little nudging, he communicates his inclination clearly and asks for help. “Could you please cut off the cwust for me, gwamma?” He prefers to wear a doggie sock on one foot and a bunny sock on the other, rather than the traditional pairing. His delight in seeing the dog and rabbit side by side on his little feet dispelled my first instinct which was to insist on him wearing the socks, "properly".
I'm pretty sure this kind of expression of individuality does not go over well in a Twelve Tribes community, (as described by Tamara Mathieu last week) or in countless fundamentalist groups. It would likely be considered a damaging indulgence - or far worse. There are so many versions - and a wide spectrum of rigid or tyrannical values being applied to child rearing. As a grandmother, I believe that the capacity to know one’s mind is nurtured in environments where freedom of expression, curiosity and discernment are valued - even in youngsters.
But when I read my long time friend Sharon Reinbott’s* letter to me that described her childhood reality, my heart ached. She said “... having an opinion was a punishable offense. Well, unless it matched my father's opinion.” She went on. “He was always saying, "Think, girl! THINK!!" That did not mean, "Think." It meant, "Reach my conclusions. Agree with me no matter what."
Oomph.
This got me thinking about my own childhood and specifically my father who I consider to have been on the authoritarian spectrum - but certainly not hard core. At least in theory, we would have dinner conversations where any of us could share about our day or voice opinions. Oddly enough, when I try to recall what it was like when all nine of us sat around the dining room table - which we did every night - I meet a void. Nothing disturbing. And also nothing particularly engaging. What I remember the most is setting the table. Forks on the left, knife and spoon on the right. I liked setting the table a lot more than washing dishes. I did both. A lot.
Sharon and I danced through similar cohorts, oh so many years ago. Fortunately for her, geography and logistics saved her from lingering too close to the flame. Decades of seeking and finding healing has given her clarity on her father-wounds. She wrote, “Not being allowed to have any opinion but a conforming one robs a person of their creativity and the ability to imagine. If you could never say, "What if...?", then you could never imagine a situation different from the one you're in." And then she shared the part that felt like a punch: "Perhaps that was why I stayed in two abusive marriages, thinking there was something wrong with me, not with the men I chose to marry.“
This got me thinking about the role imagination and creativity play - both in the growing child as well as in the process of healing from coercive relationships. Although we can’t go back and change the past, a writing, movement or artistic expression around the “What if…?s” can open the mind, free the burdened heart, and open doors to possibilities, otherwise unthinkable.
And this is exactly what Sharon - and so many writing to reckoners have done. Months and years of cultivating wellness through creativity changes - and saves - lives.
Although there’s certainly no guarantee that my grandson will be any less likely to avoid challenging relationships as he matures into adulthood, I hope that the loving, respectful and creative environment he’s being raised in will give his growing mind license to always be flexible and responsive - qualities we all need to employ as we face life on this quickly changing planet.
How do YOU keep your mind flexible and responsive?
For me, this week it's all about singing! I'll tell you more about that next week.
Cheers,
Gerette
*Sharon and anyone else I quote in these newsletters have given me permission to share, even when I’m protecting their identity. Giving credit where credit is due is one of my core values.
