Quiet Celebration
Autonomy and... safety?
Ten years ago - on May 28, 2024 - I snapped out of the cultic group that I was tethered to for almost two decades. To celebrate, I spent this past weekend quietly, giving myself space to sleep, muse, eat simply, be in nature, and to write less than I thought I would. This personal retreat provided space for me to be in my own thoughts and to see where they went. From the comfy white couch in the cabin in my backyard, I gazed across a green expanse of lawn, watched dandelions being buffeted by gusty air and I drank in the deep blue sky framed by towering white pine trees. I experienced the peaceful, other worldliness of time ceasing to exist (ever so briefly, lol). I gave myself this gift to honor the hard work I’ve done since May 28, 2014. I promised myself that I would not push anything. I entered with certain writing goals that did not manifest, but I emerged with clarity about some things that I’ve been mulling over for months (see below!!) and I feel rested and curious.
Today, my thoughts continue on the theme of autonomy and with it, turn towards an exquisite bounty of supportive friends and creativity. I’m delighted by new friendships emerging through a cult recovery support group, facilitated by Tammie Willis. I recently shared a poem with them and a surge of creativity swirled around it.
The poem, OBITUARY, formed and flowed through me over a three day period where I was at first triggered into ‘trauma drama’ by events beyond my control. (I think of trauma drama as a state of being where I am dysregulated, reactionary, and emotionally confused - an utter loss of self-sovereignty.) Determined to not let drama sweep me away, I began to write. I wrote the poem while I walked in the woods. While I stormed in anger. And while I grieved. That’s when I realized it was an obituary - a way to acknowledge a previous life that was both beautiful and fraught. The poem and I softened into its current word form with help from editor and friend, Shelly Snow Pordea. But when I read it to fellow survivors it took on a whole new life:
Aditi said, “Let’s make a video!” A talented musician friend with a studio created original music to accompany my voice and Aditi brought her expertise to the table, creating the perfect visuals. Lo and behold: a music video was created.
I’m humbled and awed by this gorgeous, collaborative piece of art - both by the final result and perhaps more importantly, by the relational process that occurred, offering healing and integration for all of us.
Got 90 Seconds? Watch it here! And let me know what you think.
And here’s my question: is it possible that this creative up-swell and newly forged relationships rose out of my growing self-determination - at least in part? Are these things connected?!?
Connections have been top of mind, because the Spring Connections program, composed of a beautiful group of writers - is winding towards closure. The consistency of the same group, meeting week after week, centering on the stages of cult recovery, and learning and growing through each other’s writing has been AMAZING! (See dates below for the next one.) The integrated circuitry that created the Obituary video and last week’s focus on Autonomy and Idealism has all swirled together, giving birth to questions about genuine relationships and the level of intimacy and trust that can develop.
If we shift away from idealistic goals, establishing healthy, autonomous boundaries, can greater safety and trust develop?
I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts on this! Have you ever experienced anything like this? I’m ever so curious…
