Autonomy vs Idealism

The tide of Idealism. 

I think it’s safe to say that most survivors of cultic abuse possess an inherent and sometimes exaggerated sense of idealism. It can be a beautiful thing and it can get us into trouble. I’ve noticed that most of us survivors are willing to do more than our fair share for a good cause. This is certainly the case for me. Thinking I needed to facilitate a public event, (instead of a private dance party) is just one example of my overzealous idealism being in the driver's seat. Devoting countless hours to a mission-driven project is another. This makes me wonder:

When Idealism is at the wheel, who is really driving?

Today, when I imagine myself in that familiar seat, I experience a rush of adrenaline, my shoulders square off, and my hand rises to beat the drum. But, I feel like a drum: hollow inside and resonating outside. It’s a disembodied sensation of excitement and empowerment that exists outside of myself. And it’s intoxicating. I now can see that my idealistic pursuits were my top priority during much of my three years as co-founder of #IGotOut - sometimes to the detriment of my family and my health. Going through the crisis ringer of Dec 2023 and the months that followed, have changed me. The big juicy idealist bubble of creating a safe space for hundreds, no, thousands of survivors to tell their story - popped. And I landed, bruised and eating humble pie.

And I turned my attention to my home, my family and my work. My updated website is one manifestation of this change. Over the next few weeks, you will hear about a project I’ve been working on behind the scenes. But what’s been the most significant for me are these weekly missives - that you are reading right now. I am deeply grateful for your readership. And…

I’m going to let you in on a secret: I do it for me. I love my work and this weekly writing practice anchors me in my work and helps me to stay accountable to what is most meaningful to me. For nearly three years, my work was second fiddle and that’s no longer the case. I now hold myself accountable is by limiting my volunteer work to a maximum of five hours a week. This slows the pace of growth for Living Cult Free and so far, that’s ok with the board of directors. I prioritize my health and I pause before I sit at my computer and ask myself what’s most important? I finally know that I can’t do it all - not only that - I now understand that it’s often destructive and counterproductive for me to operate like a ‘hollow drum’.

Saturday May 18th:The barn floor was swept. Fairy lights twinkled. The setting sun shined brilliantly, breaking free after a long day of clouds. A dozen beautiful people gathered - each one bearing the gift of their presence and their dance shoes. An eclectic mix of music kept us (some of us anyway!) on the dance floor for two straight hours. I cut a cake adorned with the words: Living Cult Free and a big, sloppy #10, (for the 10 years I’ve been free from the cult). I felt seen and appreciated by my friends, family and neighbors as the sun sank beyond the mountains. The glow has stayed with me.

It’s the glow of autonomy. Of individuation. I am my own self. I get to establish healthy boundaries. And best of all is this new realization: that when I care for myself first and foremost, my relationships get richer - with a greater sense of intimacy and more levity, more joy. I am able to accept a hug that includes a whisper in my ear, “I can’t thank you enough for your weekly newsletters. Your writing helps me to be more honest - with myself and with others too.” I can take this in as more than a trite compliment because I feel the depth of it. 

When I begin with me and when you begin with you - even though from the outside it might look like there’s nothing different to see - the greatest of human endeavors occurs: personal integrity grows. Out of Integrity, Trust happens. And this in turn, inspires those around us to do the same. Doors open. Creativity blossoms. We become more human. More beautiful.

Turning the tide of idealism is no picnic. But having a dance party helped me to do just that.