Surprised?

It happens every year. On a fine spring morning, I feel surprised, even shocked, to see where the sun rises. ☀️ This - regardless of the fact that my daily walks afford me ample consistency to track this detail. Year after year, walking the same trails. 

Blame it on my lack of attention. Blame it on my poor memory, my inability to recall the sun’s annual pilgrimage. Blame it on Vermont’s cloudy days. This solar surprise often happens after a few - or many - cloudy days, ☁️when I ‘ve lost track of where along the horizon she should rise. Something about her swing to the north-north-east boggles me. 

I often don’t know what to wear for my morning escapades. 🧥 Spring temperatures fluctuate wildly. I gasped when I saw the pond iced over - again. The day before, most of the ice was out. It was a familiar gasp. I had just done it the evening before, reading the news. 

Standing there, in my shin-length down coat, gazing at the re-frozen pond I took a long, slow, deep inhale. I stood there for several minutes, digesting my gasps and wondering about a gentler way to be.

None of these experiences are surprising.

I remind myself of the steady, precise, and predictable path the sun makes every year. 💫

I remind myself of our son’s birth in late April - 25 years ago, when my husband and I paddled our canoe 🛶, slicing through a thin layer of ice on the bright, blue-sky day, hours before his birth. 

I remind myself of the consistent, tried and true tactics wielded by every narcissistic, cultic, coercive leader alive: changing goal posts, bait and switch, and loaded language to name three tactics used in that bit of news about tariffs 💰 the night before. 

I remind myself that I’ve experienced these tactics of control before. I recognize the patterns. I was controlled by them in the past but I don’t want them messing with my life today. 

What’s the surprise when there is no surprise? Granted: the sudden switch to a totalitarian led government after 250 years of democracy - no matter how imperfect - is not easy to get used to. But here we are. 

As I stood, looking out across the newly re-frozen pond, I contemplated how my nervous system has been activated, leading to my audible gasps of surprise. It was humbling and clarifying to realize that I’ve been letting existential anxiety about world news push me into low grade survival mode. 

Whoa. ✋🏽 That’s not how I want to spend my days. I’ve been there, done that. I've spent eleven post-cult years recovering from the pressure-pot of indoctrination, supporting my body, mind, and psyche to heal. 

Today, I will do my damndest to not let a cultic president’s predictable, bullying tactics get the better of me. Because I know better now. It’s devastating to watch world leaders cow tow to his false power. (May they learn from Prime Minister Mark Carney how to best respond to a narcissistic bully.)

And may I learn from all I’ve learned:

Pause before consuming national news. KNOW it may sound shocking, but KNOW that it’s predictable.

Prioritize my daily practices of self care. 

Focus my life’s resources where they matter the most and I can maintain the most agency. 

Notice if there’s pressure in my brow or tightness in my belly. If there is: Breathe. Stretch. Walk. Ground. 

Continue to support my nervous system. 

Be attentive to the joy and beauty that is all around me. 

Actively cultivate the relationships that support my well-being. 

And write - for me and for you. If you’ve made it this far, I thank you. 

No matter how noisy we humans get during the next few years, we will not alter the sun's path. My goal is to do a better job of noticing its predictable arc and take delight in it. ☀️

Tell me: what are your strategies for quieting existential anxiety? Let’s learn from each other. We need each other to co-regulate, especially these days. 

Gerette

PS Next week I will tell you about a real surprise that just happened in my life: and it was infused with justice! ⚖️ 😊

PPS It’s snowing. Again. April in Vermont. Time to take a walk. I'll wear my long down coat. 

PPSS Hit reply if you are curious about co-regulation. I'm in learning mode and would love to hear what you know and what you're interested in! I think it's part of what happens in a Writing to Reckon Class. If you haven't already, come decide for yourself. 💫