Shedding the Shackles of Shame
When Donald Trump exited the courtroom on January 25, 2024 after testifying in his own defense in the E. Jean Carrol defamation suit, he shook his head and said repeatedly, “This is not America. This is not America.”* (Classic DT multi-purpose statement.)
But when my husband described this scene to me, it hit close to home and I was catapulted back to a phone call where I was told, “This is not the Gerette we know.” That call with Aaron and Peg was squeezed between other meetings and was going longer than I hoped. With my portable landline wedged between my chin and shoulder, I opened my closet door to find something to wear for the upcoming zoom meeting. I’d been planning this meeting for weeks and wanted to be grounded and poised for it. I press the speaker button and slip on my shirt - half hearing what they were saying. It was clear they were not happy with how I'd handled a sticky situation with another colleague. But, I had to get to my office where the wifi was strong enough. Our wimpy country wifi at home dishes out enough bandwidth for normal video calls, but I’d learned the hard way that an important meeting with more than a few participants calls for the big town wifi. I run my fingers through my messy hair, wince looking in the mirror and state emphatically. “I have to go now.” And I hung up. They wanted to keep talking.
Flustered, I grabbed my computer bag and fled out the door. On the short drive to my office, I tried to shake how rattled I felt. I knew something was off. But I couldn’t put my finger on it. A few deep breaths and I put it behind me, focusing instead on the upcoming meeting I’d be co-facilitating. I put it behind me and didn’t consciously think about it again until my husband told me about Donald Trump's comment: This is not America.
I’d been working with Aaron and Peg on a passion project. Over time, we had developed a deep level of trust. They’re both very smart and Aaron’s bigwig expertise garnered my respect. But it was Peg who I really cared about - our hours of brainstorming and sharing on a deep personal level made me believe I had a new best friend. It wasn’t until months after that phone call that I began to understand our efforts to create 'utopia' were in fact founded on the very beast we were purportedly battling against: manipulation with a hearty dose of coercive tactics.
In its context, the statement This is not America disseminates a polarizing impact on all Americans. Given the years of inserting Trumpcentric narrative every single time he speaks, DT galvanizes his supporters and condemns all who might believe what took place in that courtroom could be ‘American’. As much as it makes his opponents bristle (part of its purpose) this statement also elicits patriotic shame. How is it possible that our country and its judicial system have deteriorated to this point? By stating what America is NOT, Trump also employs the emphatic power of negation. We humans respond to drama, opposition and conflict with far greater gusto than wimpy affirmations - and controlling leaders know and wield this against the gentle souls* of the world.
The comment ‘This is not the Gerette we know’ delivered a personal blow by employing the same condescending, shame-producing, negating sentiment - the echo of which lingered like an elephant in the room of my mind - until my husband’s news report. Over these last few weeks, I’ve talked about this, I've journaled and written about it and even brought it into a therapy session. I'm over it. Today, when I imagine myself back in that conversation with Aaron and Peg, I easily retort, “Clearly, you don’t know me. And by the way, %7%# off.”
However, as you can likely imagine, there are many layers for me to unpack in this situation. For one: I’m working through a major shame reaction: “Dang…As a leader in the cult recovery space, how did I miss the warning signs with Peg and Aaron?” I’m taking this question seriously and am grateful for both collegial and professional resources to help me through.
At the same time however, I also unequivocally know that this process I'm engaged in - the work of reckoning, of seeing the truth, of self-correcting, of establishing new and clearer boundaries and of giving myself time to integrate - all of this is the ongoing and life affirming nature of healing from cultic abuse. And perhaps is's also simply the nature of being human in the polarizing times we are in.
I’d LOVE to hear your latest realizations of how this dynamic has - or hasn't - manifested in your life or in the lives around you. How have you gotten through the shame? By sharing our stories, we get to bust the stigma of silence and secrecy - and shed those burdensome shackles of shame!
